If we've said it once, we've said it a million times: Mother Nature is the enemy, and she wants nothing more than to destroy us, turn our great works to dust, and enslave our children to work her hideous tree mines. It may be obvious from the preceding statements that we don't actually know much about nature, but we know one thing: She's out to screw us. Otherwise, explain …
6. Crazy Ants (Their Real Name) Will Take Out Our Advanced Technology
Tawny crazy ants multiply faster than rabbits on an abacus, which would be fine if they didn't absolutely despise all the technological feats of man. Some experts suspect they're attracted to electricity itself, like a bunch of unlucky fetishists, while others believe the myriad nooks and crannies offer a good hiding spot for an ant species that isn't capable of building burrows of its own. Either way, the result is the same. Whether it's power outlets, NASA computers, chemical plant machinery, or even your precious Xbox, crazy ants are here to do two things: fuck up your gadgets, and chew bubblegum.
Of course the electricity kills them — they're not immune to lightning (yet). But that doesn't matter. Once the first wave arrives and gets zapped, their charred corpses emit a pheromone that attracts more crazy ants. The reinforcements use their deceased brethren as a biological bridge right into the guts of your sweet new Ultra HD TV, piling in until the device flash-fries itself in act of totally understandable suicide.
This is not a freak occurrence. In city environments, crazy ants can decimate every electronic device in an entire neighborhood. We've been sitting here fearing targeted EMP weapons, and all the while, biology has been toiling away on the far worse organic alternative.
5. Sociable Weavers Will Shut Down Our Communication
The amiably-named sociable weaver is so titled because it builds communal nests which remain inhabited for countless tiny birdie generations. They can reach truly ridiculous proportions.
These avian luxury condos are awe-inspiring natural spectacles, to be sure — the only problem is that they love to build them atop telephone poles, thus turning their enormous dried-twig mansions into communication firebombs.
If the poles don't snap from the added weight, they'll either short-circuit from the massive influx of bird shit (strangely, most telephone companies don't factor "sudden biblical rivers of crap" into their infrastructure) or else burst into flame.
This could be mocked as a First-World problem — "Oh, the precious birdie's nests are mucking up the signal on that landline that you don't have?" — if it took place in the First World. Africa needs that communication infrastructure badly. It's like the birds are targeting our most vulnerable communities first, testing humanity to see how we'll respond. If we don't strike now, and hard, our beloved cell towers will be next. You need those to play internet on the bus!
4. Brazilian Monkeys Will Invade Our Homes
Over the past few years, roving packs of Capuchin monkeys have descended from the hills and into the Brazilian capital of Rio de Janeiro in search of food. Stow your pity. Pack away your mercy. Wrap your empathy in tissue paper and put it in … the … crawlspace? Whatever. These cute little bastards aren't content to rummage through your garbage like raccoons; they're ransacking residents' homes. It's exactly what we've warned you about all these many years: primate home invasion.
The monkeys have little regard for personal property rights, and even less for the emotional distress of their victims. They tear through the food stores, defecate on the doilies, smash the good china — they're bastards, is what we're getting at here.
Oh, you're laughing? You're not taking this seriously?
This little hooligan broke into a downtown bar, got roaring drunk on rum, armed himself with a goddamned kitchen knife, and forced a standoff with police. Don't question the monkey insurrection — there's video.
Planet Of The Apes isn't merely imminent; it's already started. We're well into the first act, and you just wandered out of the bathroom asking everybody "Did I miss anything important?" Get serious, goddammit.
3. Screaming Fish Will Drive The Survivors To Suicide
You may have heard of the phenomenon known as "the Hum," wherein people claim to hear an incessant droning noise with no obvious source. The mysterious sound has even been linked to three suicides in the UK. No, don't call Mulder and Scully. We never thought we'd say this, but this turns out to be a job for Aquaman. It turns out that — at least in coastal communities — the Hum is caused by this unapologetic pervert:
That's a type of toadfish called a plainfin midshipman (Porichthys notatus), and the sound is caused by their disgusting moans of lust. Yes, really. Their breeding caterwaul has been compared to a didgeridoo, and when they get together in large groups close to the shore, the drone can resonate through the metal hulls of ships, using them like a subwoofer.
This exact situation has been happening in Sausalito, California for years now, and while it's a tragic hardship for the poor yachtsman, the less-responsible citizens have embraced the audio warfare. They even have a Humming Toadfish Marching Kazoo Band which performs during Fourth of July parades.
When Mother Nature begins her inevitable full-on coastal assault, the frivolous Sausalitians will be the first to die. The streets will fill with their blood, and when the drains finally scab over, when the accumulated filth of their own hubris foams up about their waists, and the Humming Toadfish Marching Kazoo Band looks up and shouts, "Save us!" … we'll whisper, "No."
2. Without Warning, Rattlesnakes Will Strike Those Who Try To Flee
There's only one redeeming factor about rattlesnakes: At least they give you an audible warning before they kill you for having the audacity to go hiking. But now there's a strange development happening on the plains of South Dakota. The rattlesnakes appear to be losing their rattles.
Oh sure, experienced park rangers and biologists and basically anybody with rudimentary reasoning skills says that the snakes are losing their rattles because they've become an evolutionary disadvantage. "The same adaptation that evolved to scare away predators wound up making them an easy target for humans doing pest control," the naysayers … say. Presumably followed by "nay."
But we know the truth. Nature is officially going on the record here, stating in no uncertain terms: "There will be no more warnings. The war is coming." And we are not listening!
1. Spiders Will Be Spiders At You
You don't believe us. You don't accept that nature hates you. You think we need to live in harmony with the environment. This is you:
Huntsman spiders — which you may recognize as the world's most terrifyingly gigantic fucking spiders — have begun their official war-march on civilization. Already, Australians are running straight off the road thanks to surprise Huntsman ambushes while driving.
"Easily countered," you say. "I'll simply don a biohazard suit, grab my flamethrower, and thoroughly inspect the interior of my car before ever setting off anywhere." You think you're so smart. Then, right when you're feeling safe, you flick the headlights on and see the gargantuan, scrambling shadow of this:
We don't have any hard statistics as to exactly how many fatal accidents were the direct result of terrier-sized spiders skittering across the dashboard, but we estimate that, within an error range of .57, the number is "too goddamned many."